Feeling Lonely Even When You’re Not Alone: Loneliness and Mental Health
Feeling lonely, even when you're surrounded by people?
You can have friends, family, colleagues and people around you and still feel lonely.
Loneliness isn't always about being physically alone. You might regularly talk to people but feel that you don't have anyone you can truly open up to. You may feel disconnected from others, misunderstood, or as though your relationships aren't giving you the sense of closeness and belonging you need.
For some people, loneliness comes and goes during particular periods of life. For others, it can become an ongoing experience that begins to affect mood, confidence, relationships and everyday life.
So what does loneliness actually mean, and what can you do if you've been feeling disconnected from others?
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is the subjective feeling of being disconnected from other people.
It is different from simply being alone.
Some people enjoy spending time by themselves and don't experience loneliness at all. Others can feel lonely while living with a partner, having a busy social life or going to work every day.
You might experience loneliness when there is a gap between the relationships and connection you want and what you feel you currently have.
For example, you might:
Have plenty of people to talk to but no one you feel comfortable confiding in
Feel like people don't really understand you
Feel disconnected from friends or family
Find it difficult to form close relationships
Feel like you don't belong
Spend a lot of time comparing your relationships with other people's
Feel lonely after moving to a new city or starting a new stage of life
Feel isolated despite regularly interacting with others
Loneliness can therefore look very different from person to person.
How can loneliness affect mental health?
Loneliness and mental health can be closely connected.
Research shows an association between loneliness and poorer mental and physical health outcomes. However, much of the evidence is observational, meaning researchers cannot always determine which factor came first.
This is important because loneliness doesn't necessarily mean that someone has a mental health condition.
Instead, loneliness can be one part of a much bigger picture.
For example, someone experiencing depression may withdraw from other people, which can increase feelings of loneliness. At the same time, ongoing loneliness may contribute to poorer wellbeing and make it more difficult to cope with existing emotional difficulties.
You may notice changes such as:
Changes in mood
You might feel:
Sad or low
Empty or disconnected
Irritable
Unmotivated
More emotionally sensitive
Like you're "on the outside" of other people's lives
Changes in thoughts
You may find yourself thinking:
"Nobody really understands me."
"I don't have anyone."
"Everyone else has close friends except me."
"There's something wrong with me."
"What's the point in reaching out?"
These thoughts can sometimes make it even harder to connect with people.
Changes in behaviour
You might:
Withdraw from social situations
Stop contacting friends
Avoid meeting new people
Spend increasing amounts of time alone
Find socialising exhausting
Use your phone or social media to feel connected but still feel lonely afterwards
Not everyone experiences loneliness in the same way, and these experiences can also occur for many other reasons.
Why might you feel lonely?
There isn't one single cause of loneliness.
It can develop following major life changes or gradually over time.
Life transitions
Moving to a new city, starting university, changing jobs, becoming a parent, ending a relationship or losing someone important can all change your social connections.
Even positive life changes can sometimes leave you feeling disconnected while you adjust to something new.
Relationship difficulties
You can feel lonely within a relationship.
If you don't feel heard, understood or emotionally connected to your partner, being physically together doesn't necessarily remove feelings of loneliness.
Friendships and family relationships can have a similar effect.
Anxiety or low mood
Anxiety can make social situations feel uncomfortable or overwhelming. If you begin avoiding them, you may have fewer opportunities to build or maintain meaningful connections.
Low mood can also reduce motivation to socialise, creating a cycle where withdrawing from others can leave you feeling even more isolated.
Feeling like you don't belong
You might be surrounded by people but feel that you don't fit in.
This can happen at work, university, school, within social groups or even within your own community.
Social media and online connection
Technology can make it easier to stay in contact with people, particularly when distance makes face-to-face contact difficult.
However, having frequent online interactions doesn't necessarily mean you feel emotionally connected. The quality of relationships matters as well as the amount of contact.
Personal circumstances
Disability, chronic health conditions, financial difficulties, discrimination, caregiving responsibilities and other circumstances can affect opportunities for social connection.
The New Zealand Ministry of Health reports that loneliness varies across population groups. In the 2023/24 New Zealand Health Survey, around one in three disabled people reported feeling lonely some, most or all of the time in the previous four weeks. The Ministry also reports higher rates among young adults, and higher rates among Māori and Pacific peoples compared with non-Māori after adjusting for age and gender.
These differences highlight that loneliness isn't simply an individual issue. Our relationships, communities, circumstances and sense of belonging can all influence our experiences.
When should you seek help for loneliness?
Feeling lonely from time to time is a normal human experience.
You don't have to wait until loneliness becomes severe before talking to someone.
It may be worth seeking support if loneliness:
Has continued for a long period of time
Is affecting your mood or confidence
Is making it difficult to work, study or manage everyday responsibilities
Is contributing to anxiety or low mood
Is affecting your relationships
Is causing you to withdraw from people
Makes you feel hopeless or like you have no one to turn to
Is becoming difficult to manage on your own
You don't need to have a mental health diagnosis to see a counsellor.
Sometimes having a confidential space to talk through what you're experiencing can help you understand what's contributing to the loneliness and what you might want to change.
How can counselling help with loneliness?
Counselling isn't simply about telling you to "go out and meet more people."
Loneliness can have many different causes, so counselling can begin by exploring what loneliness means for you.
A counsellor may help you explore:
What has changed in your life
Your current relationships
Patterns of withdrawing or avoiding connection
Anxiety around social situations
Difficult experiences that have affected your ability to trust others
Self-esteem and confidence
Relationship patterns
Feelings of rejection or not belonging
What meaningful connection looks like for you
Depending on your needs, counselling may draw on approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), person-centred therapy, interpersonal approaches or other evidence-informed counselling approaches.
The aim isn't to force you to become more social. It is about understanding what is happening and supporting you to make changes that are meaningful for you.
Research into interventions for loneliness also suggests that psychological interventions can have beneficial effects, although findings vary and the effects are not the same for everyone.
What can you expect from a counselling session?
If you've never been to counselling before, you may feel unsure about what will happen.
Your first session will generally involve talking about what has brought you to counselling and what you would like support with.
You might discuss:
How you've been feeling
What is happening in your life
Your relationships and support network
How loneliness is affecting you
Your goals for counselling
What you would like to change or understand
You don't need to arrive with everything figured out.
You also don't have to know exactly why you're feeling lonely.
Part of counselling can be working together to understand what is happening.
A counsellor should provide a confidential and non-judgemental space where you can talk openly about your experiences.
You don't have to be alone with loneliness
Loneliness can be difficult to explain because you can feel lonely without necessarily being alone.
If you've been feeling disconnected, isolated or like you're struggling without meaningful support, talking to someone can be a place to start.
At Counselling and Therapy New Zealand (CTNZ), counselling provides a confidential space to explore your thoughts, feelings, relationships and circumstances at your own pace.
Whether you're experiencing loneliness alongside anxiety, low mood, relationship difficulties or a major life change, you don't have to work everything out on your own.
If you're looking for counselling in New Zealand, contact CTNZ to discuss whether counselling could be right for you.
Frequently asked questions about loneliness
Is loneliness a mental health problem?
Loneliness itself isn't necessarily a mental health disorder. It is a subjective experience that can occur at different points in life. However, research has found associations between loneliness and poorer mental wellbeing and a range of mental health outcomes.
Can you be lonely in a relationship?
Yes. Being in a relationship doesn't automatically prevent loneliness. You can feel emotionally disconnected from a partner even when you spend a lot of time together.
Why do I feel lonely when I have friends?
Loneliness is about the quality and emotional meaning of connection, not simply the number of people in your life. You can have friends and still feel that you don't have the closeness, understanding or support you need.
Can loneliness cause depression?
Research has found an association between loneliness and depression and other mental health difficulties. However, the relationship is complex, and research cannot always establish that loneliness directly causes depression.
How can I get help for loneliness in NZ?
You can speak with your GP, a counsellor, psychologist or another mental health professional. If you're looking specifically for counselling in New Zealand, CTNZ can provide a confidential space to discuss loneliness and related concerns.
Can counselling help with loneliness?
Counselling may help you understand factors contributing to loneliness, explore relationship and emotional patterns, develop ways of managing difficult thoughts and feelings, and identify what meaningful connection looks like for you. Research on psychological interventions for loneliness has found beneficial effects overall, although results vary between interventions and individuals.
Do I need a diagnosis to see a counsellor?
No. People seek counselling for many different reasons, including loneliness, relationship difficulties, life changes, stress, anxiety and low mood. You don't necessarily need a formal mental health diagnosis to seek support.